Thoughts on caring for your whole self in a global pandemic

Dear ones, 

I do not write to you as someone who has this pandemic quarantine thing mastered. We are surviving not thriving over here, and I am riding the wave along with everyone else. However, I love studying caring for people in crisis and am professionally working in mental health as a counselor as well. I have been thinking about y’all and wanted to offer some self-care thoughts to hopefully buoy you in this time.

The main thing I’d like to encourage you with in this strange unprecedented season is, it’s ok to not be ok. Also, it's ok to be ok. Also, it’s ok to be both.

In order to stay well in times of ongoing crisis it’s important to intentionally care for all the parts that make us human:

Body- Basic needs or body care is the foundation for other types of care. In times of crisis, it is more important to be sure you are are eating nourishing meals (along with foods that bring you joy-both/and), drinking lots of water, getting adequate sleep, staying active/exercising, and getting outside in the sunshine. Be particularly attuned to your body’s needs; if it’s tired, rest it, if it is stiff, get out for a run, if it is anxious, deep breathe. Yoga and mindfulness practices are particularly helpful with anxiety management. When you get emotionally dysregulated, which will likely happen more than usual in quarantine, practice awareness of where in your body you are feeling emotions like sadness or anxiety or anger. Once you have identified where it is located, focus on relaxing that area of the body and deep breathing until you feel calm again. For example, if there is trigger, like your child spills milk all over the floor and you have a Zoom call to be on, notice your heart beating faster and your shoulders tightening up and take a moment to attend to the body and calm the autonomic nervous system through breathing before you react or move on. Your body houses everything else, so be extra kind and attentive to it. *Deep breathing is magic. 

Mind- Be aware of your cognitions in times of crisis. If they are catastrophic or irrational, notice that without judgment, and replace those thoughts with what is rational. For example,“If I get Covid19, then my whole family will get it,” could be disputed with “If I get this, I will quarantine in my room, and it is likely no one else will get it”. Living in the present each day will help with the “what if” future thoughts. Instead “what if”, switch the mental channel to “what is true now”, and land there. Also notice negative self cognitions and replace them with self-compassion, “Both me and my spouse should be able to work full time, be teachers to all our children, and keep up the household”, and replace that with “It is impossible to do all these roles well without help or relief, which is why we usually have childcare in place. I will be kind to myself and others when we fail, prioritize what is most important to us, and recognize that this is costing all of us.” When we fail, we can both be kind to ourselves and make a repair when needed. Being kind to ourselves doesn't mean we are no longer responsible for our choices, we can pay the consequence and be compassionate (ex. pay a fine for a speeding ticket, and not go to self-contempt for speeding). Additionally, be intentionally grateful each day, if you’re able (if you’re not, that’s ok, there is a valid reason for that). Go around the table at dinner each night or keep a gratitude journal on your own. Studies show that integrating gratitude, self-compassion, and creativity or play, help combat depression. *Mindfulness is magic. 

Heart- How do you feel? It can be a challenging question for many. Give yourself space to name and express everything you’re feeling. All emotions are allowed for everyone. If you’re enjoying all the family time, be thankful and joyful for that *without guilt that you should be sad like people who have endured more loss. If you’re sad because you’ve lost your job, grieve that loss *without guilt that you should be enjoying time with your family (hear that shame voice?). If you are both grieving losses and enjoying a slower pace, then hold both. You are allowed to feel multiple and conflicting emotions. Don’t engage in comparative suffering, which means, minimizing your loss in comparison to someone else's (ex. I can’t feel sad about not having my dance recital because other people are suffering with the death of a loved one). There is enough room for everyone to have the space they need to grieve the losses that feel big to them. Also, a friendly reminder that kid’s worlds are a lot smaller than adults. They don’t have the perspective and experiences we have to refer to as adults. For them, not being able to perform in their play or go to their prom is a really big loss, even though maybe in a parent’s much bigger perspective, that may be a silly thing to grieve. I would encourage you to not judge anyones losses or sadness, everyone has the right to their own experiences and perspective of the world. We can be kind by allowing our family members, neighbors, and friends to carry different emotions than us, and we can be empathic and nonjudgmental. When we engage with grief first, it gives people the freedom they need to then enter into hope or gratitude. Demanding thankfulness from someone before empathizing with them will more likely lead to anger at feeling missed and not the hoped for response of thankfulness. *Empathy is magic, and there is enough to go around.

Social- We are social beings who need and thrive in connection. Part of feeling more human in a time of mandatory isolation will mean getting creative about connection. Call a friend or do a zoom call every day. Write a letter or text a single neighbor. Getting out of your head and engaging with other humans will do you and others good. *Connection is magic.

Spirit- Whether we know it or not, all our parts are spiritual in the sense that we are made in image of God and reflect him in all these ways. We are reminded now of what is always true but often hidden, that we are creatures in a created world. In times where all the earth is exposed and vulnerable, it is only natural to be more aware of one who is greater. If you believe in God, engage with Him, even in your anger or confusion. He cares, He sees, and is good and sovereign over all. Look for His hand at work in the world and for meaning in the chaos. For those who do not believe in God, that’s ok, I encourage you to wonder or even try on prayer or explore the possibility of a higher power and purpose than our vulnerable human state.

**Jesus is not magic.

He lived a real life, shed real blood on the cross on Friday, and rose again on Sunday in order to make all things new. He sits enthroned even now. 

God’s kindness is the reserve for all other kindnesses and His free mercy is on offer to all all all through Jesus Christ.

“The hard work of life is not dealing with your pain but allowing yourself to experience comfort and kindness.” -Dan Allender

It is surprising to me how resistant people are to self-care or recieving kindness, myself included. What is it like for you to consider? What are your barriers? Are you judging your resistance to self-kindness even now? How are shame, fear, or guilt workin for ya? Please be kind to yourself, you have never walked though a pandemic before. Let yourself laugh, and let yourself cry. Do something that brings you joy everyday, a walk in the sunshine, making homemade bread, a bubble bath, do this because you matter and your well-being matters and receiving kindness and care from yourself, others, and God will enable you to give it out and walk out of this quarantine even more whole than you could have imagined.

Love y’all

Virtual xo

He lives to tell the tale

Goodbye to my virtual friends. Thank you all so much for joining us in our journey with covid19, and for your prayer and care. I hope it's been a helpful, hopeful, and honest resource to you.

I will talk with you on the blog the next time we move to a new city and get ourselves into a health crisis because that’s our secret to how we get people to feel bad for us and be our friends. 

But for reals, if you’re wondering about this global pandemic thing and you’re like “this is weird, how do I make sense of this, what does it mean for me and my life," I’d like to invite you to consider that maybe you're wondering because you were made to wonder...

"Stay safe, love you"

Virtual xo 

quarantinues ..."good and horrible"

Hey y'all, hope you're staying healthy and sane!

I asked the girls the other day what quarantine life was like and they said, "good and horrible".  What a beautiful response! We're learning about the important life skill of holding tension in this season. I know for those families with the virus and even those doing shelter-in-place, feelings of depression, anxiety, and panic are setting in. For those dear helpless souls who have the virus and are stuck in a room all alone for weeks are experiencing the upper limits of their capacity to be isolated and feeling things they have never known. I want to encourage you, wherever you are, to hold the tension. Allow yourself and friends and family to express their sadness, what is lost? what is sad? was it this costing you? what are you fearful about? what does it feel like for you? AND what is good about this season? where is the sweetness? where do you see growth? Both together, neither elevated. None for us know what exactly it'll be like on the other side of this or all the implications, and so to say everything will be fine might not be true, but to say "I don't know, but I'll be with you" brings true comfort. This is the promise offered us in Christ, and we can reflect Him to each other when we hold space for others to feel emotions in tension and say, I'll be with you.

Here are some GOOD things about our quarantine:

1- Sleeping in. I haven't slept this much in a decade, and I love it so much!!
2- The gift of unhurried time
3- Getting to wear my favorite outfit everyday, sweats!
4- Quarantinis
5- Playing board games with the girls, which I really don't do in real life
6- Waving to neighbors (from over a 10ft' distance) I've never seen before
7- Time to reflect and wonder
8- Everyone using their gifts to virtually give to each other, thanks to the songwriters singing from their kitchens, astronauts reading children's stories from space, artists giving drawing lessons from their studio, and Dave Barnes Quarenteenie Tiny minute of Humor on insta!:)
9- All the baked goods! Especially enjoying homemade bread.
10- I love you. It must be a pandemic thing, everyone is telling us they love us- even if I have never met them! In return, I have been telling random people "love you, stay safe!",  I think I told the amazon delivery guy the other day. I guess it's fine.

Back to Ryan's day to day, and the hard part of the tension,

Day 8, 3/17- He had a low grade fever, and felt fatigued and chest soreness. This seems to be the time in other cases where patients tend to start to get better or pneumonia kicks in and they go to the hospital. It is hard because no one knows exactly what the normal course of this virus looks like, and it looks different for different people. A doctor (in protective gear) came to listen to him breathe and said his lungs sounded good, and that they can be inflamed and sore as they are healing. If he has difficulty breathing or his oximeter is reading low levels of oxygen, those are good indicators to be admitted to the hospital. Even then, in the hospital, it sounds like it would be mostly supportive care, help with breathing and it just needs to run its course.

Day 9, 3/18- He had a low grade fever, and no appetite. He says food has abnormal tastes and smells. He also says he has felt more nauseous. He took a nap. He felt more positive and encouraged about his lungs.

Day 10, 3/19- He is coughing more, and his chest hurts, but getting the junk out of his lungs is a good thing. He didn't have a fever. He took a nap. He says his brain hurts and he cant really read or focus for long. He says he wants to pull his hair out and cry, the isolation and the pain and duration and unknown are too much. He sat in a chair in the sun (far away from any humans) and watched the girls play with balls and bubbles and that really helped.

Day 11, 3/20- Today! He slept pretty well. No fever. His chest is still is sore. I think he really longs for someone to tell him he is doing great and this is super normal and he is recovering, but no one really knows. I think he is recovering? People ask everyday, how is he? I don't know. One moment of one day he has some energy and thinks he's turning the corner and then an hour later he feels terrible and takes a nap. I would think Day 11 is a great day to feel better, but I hear it's really up and down for couple weeks, maybe 3, before he's fully functional and 100%. I hope he is past the pneumonia part at this point, I think he is. We do have friends who got exposed the same night who continue to improve and have been fever free for a week, but no one feels great. We also know of people who have needed additional support.

My conception of it continues to change as days go by, but when you add up the physical and the emotional and the unknown and the scarcity of resources, this thing is a doozy, y'all. I think we are collectively left with accepting our place as creatures in a created world, controlling what we can control for sure, and asking the creator to intervene for his name sake. This is the order that has always been, but we see it more clearly in a pandemic. May He use this crisis for the upbuilding of His kingdom, for our good and His glory.
"Love you, stay safe, I'm with you"
virtual xo

Covid19 continued..

Hi friends!

     I didn't exactly know what to expect with our last post, and I have felt a bit overwhelmed by the exposure. But for the most part the feedback as been gratitude for the virus play by play, the insight into the household experience, and my vulnerability, and so thank y'all for receiving that with kindness, prayer, and compassion. I truly appreciate that support. Our intention is to be one helpful personal resource as we're all learning together and to alleviate crazy town panic (which I hear is going on in the outside world).

   I am surprising myself in how much I am thankful for in this bizarre season. In no particular order (other than number 1, which is of utmost, make-or-break, like, maybe we should give up now, importance)

1- We don't have lice. Hallelujah! Whenever I'm stressed out, we usually get lice, but thanks to quarantine, no lice risk! Phew!
2- I'm not pregnant with multiples. If you are pregnant with multiples and your husband has Covid-19, call me and I'll give you free teletherapy.
3- Me and the rest of my household have no symptoms and feel great!
4- Overwhelming kindness, prayers, kids activities, and meals continue to be dropped at the door.
5- Family. I haven't lived near family in the past 9 years, and so it is new and unexpected to feel so supported by family even at risk to themselves.
6- Fresh country air and sunshine.
7- Wine and Schitts Creek- it's self care!
8- Happy to be home and play kids
9- The book "I need a new butt", because my kids will actually sit down read it in order to say potty words- whatever! ( thanks Uncle Adam)
10- Global Solidarity- we're all in this thing together, like the whole world, when's the last time we considered that?!

Enough about me:)

Day 6, 3/15- Ryan woke up fever free but tired. He ate a small lunch. He watches TV, talks on the phone, researches Covid-19, I don't really know what else he does in there, he'll report to y'all at some point. Around 430pm he got a 100.4 degree temp and felt achey and worn out. He has increasing chest soreness and tightness. He can take a deep breath and hold it for 10 seconds, which is a good check. He ate a small dinner, but does always seem to have room for dessert...He took a long steam shower to bring moisture into his lungs, and a Motrin and slept the best he has slept in a long time.

Day 7, 3/16- Again he woke up with a 99degree fever. Did things? Felt tired, and ate a small lunch and in the afternoon spiked a 100 degree fever again. We are monitoring the chest a bit more closely now. We were able to check his oxygen level today, and it was good and were encouraged by that. He describes his chest soreness as how your lungs feels after you've been running in the cold. We do now have access to a breathing treatment, and plan to grab a humidifier tomorrow to take a couple more defensive steps. He is NOT having difficultly breathing, but if he does start to or has a fever of more like 103/104 degrees, we would consider next steps. We are not there and have no reason to believe he would get there, but that is what we are monitoring from home.

So, Day 7 still with fever and chest tightness is not awesome, and we had hoped he would be feeling better by now, BUT I don't think this is out of the norm for Covid-19 ( especially for males? from what I'm noticing). Others of our friends are also in the Day 7 boat (some are feeling better), and so we are learning that for some, it can go on into week 2, OR some can feel better for a time and then slip back into the symptoms. That is why you are not considered recovered until it has been 3 good days. Our 17 days have not started yet, but it'll be very exciting? when we can start an official countdown.

Thank y'all for your continued care and prayer. I do not have life figured out and I wrestle and struggle to, like I mentioned before. I do feel anxious and overwhelmed today about all kinds of what ifs. One more thing I am thankful for that I am learning with my clients and myself is that the God of the bible is so much more wild and out of the box in his love for us than we can even fathom, He is not sweet, southern, & conservative y'all:). I work with people in their places of deepest fear, wounds, and shame and watch Him not only meet them but bless them right there. It is so counterintuitive and miraculous. I just wanted to invite y'all to even consider a God who can handle everything you could possibly bring. He already knows and welcomes you, right where you are this very moment, even if it's oppositional, He sees you in the current chaos.
virtual xo

Our personal experience of Coronavirus

I haven't written on this blog in years! But a friend in the healthcare world who works closely with Covid-19 asked us to consider writing about our experience as the fear of unknown is maybe the worst part. I'll recount our personal experience of it and try to keep up with updates. I'd love to answer any questions y'all have as well because I know you'd like to hear it firsthand.

Day 0?- Contraction.  Saturday night, 3/7, we were at an event with 15+ of our friends who also have confirmed cases and this seems to be the common denominator place where all us contracted the virus (I'll say, there were finger foods, passed plates, and shared pens there- but who knows how it all happened).

Day 1- Onset of symptoms. Tuesday morning 3/10, Ryan went to work and then I met him at school and we were going to read to Evangeline's class. He said he was tired but we had had a big weekend plus the time change, and he had a really early morning and so we didn't think much of it. At 1pm he called and said he was so tired he couldn't work and had to come home and sleep for an hour and then he would work from home. His temperature was 99.5ish degrees. Much later that evening, when he woke up he had 103degree temp and aches and chills. This was the moment I suspected he had Covid-19 because just a couple weeks earlier he had had the Flu and this presented a bit differently to me but both came on really fast. He said he sweated most of the night and didn't sleep well.

Day 2- 3/11. He awoke in the morning with some chest tightness and 100ish degree fever and decided to call our infectious disease doctor friend to see at what point and where he should get tested for Covid-19 (there were only 2 cases in the state at this point so it felt maybe rare but not impossible as he's in big groups alot). Our friend let him know that he was not the first person in our community to call him that morning with those symptoms and that he knew of a confirmed case with the same symptoms who had been with us Saturday night. At this point, I was positive it was Coronavirus. I canceled the rest of my clients, picked up the girls from school and self-quarantined immediately. Our friend told Ryan to go to any Vanderbilt Walk-in Clinic to get tested. They came out to his car with a mask, shield and gloves and swabbed his nose. They said it would take about 24 hours to get results, but I know other states take longer and our area is probably more like 48hours at this point. They didn't prescribe anything other than pain reliever, but I know if there are underlying conditions, more medications might be recommended or prescribed. He did have some more chest congestion and maybe coughed a bit once/hour, but not all night. He slept wellish.

Day 3- 3/12. He had energy, and didn't have a fever. We thought, "wow that wasn't so bad, not mild per se but pretty quick!" 24 hours after being tested, he got the positive results. The health department called and asked for the temperatures of everyone in the household (and they call everyday for those), and they told us no one in the house could leave until 14 days after he is recovered because of viral shedding. Also, recovery is defined as 72hours after his last symptom. Later in the evening he had a 99-100degree fever and was tired and achey.

Day 4- 3/13. He had a 99ish fever, but a bit of an appetite. We thought maybe he was improving. He didn't sleep well.

Day 5- 3/14. He slept in and then napped alot in the day. He had a 100degree fever. He ate a normal lunch. He didn't eat dinner and went to bed at 8pm with a 100.7 degree temp and shaking with chills. His chest is a bit congested and sore but he doesn't cough all that much, and hasn't said anything about a sore throat or runny nose.

We live with Ryan's dad right now and so we have Ryan quarantined in an upstairs bed and bath with a mask whenever we talk to him, I mostly talk to him on the phone. We drop food at his door at meal times. Today I feel like he hit an emotional sadness/isolation wall. I think the long-term isolation is worse than the virus, at least for our age group.

We are learning the recovery is not linear, and might continue into week 2. I would not call it mild, but on and off moderate plus? Maybe less bad than Flu, but unpredictable? I think the fever/ aches/ chest soreness seem to be the worst part. It would be helpful to know what a mild case looked like... We are trying to take it one day at a time but it is super depressing and overwhelming to think about 17+ more days like this, not to mention all the implications of taking that much time off of life. We have felt super upheld by the church, Christ's people, as they have brought groceries, meals, wine, activities for the girls, prayers, quarantine humor, creative ideas for kids, and lots of check-ins to help mitigate the isolation. I believe we'll all make it through this, and by all I mean ALL because no one remains uneffected by this virus.

I am miraculously fine. So are the girls, and papaw, praise God. I have heard that women and kids are less effected by it, but I do have several girlfriends who do have it (and I think being a mom with Coronavirus is way harder than being a dad with it, just sayin). I slept in a bed with Ryan Monday night and did normal life with him the 3 days before the results came back. I shared a bathroom and toothpaste with him day 1 and 2. Maybe I have it and am asymptomatic. Maybe I should get tested and see because that would be good information to know. Maybe I am a ninja at avoiding all the bacteria in the house?? I'll say one thing, I touch my face all the time!! Also, I haven't washed my kid's hands non-stop, it's too hard, but I try to remember before we eat. Maybe it's God's mercy? I feel more overwhelmed by the 17+ day quarantine than the virus, but I do worry about if I got it, who would take care of the kids? I guess at that point, we just surrender and everyone is getting it.

UGH....I know this is a time to run to Jesus because He is the one who ultimately reigns over this crowned virus. It has felt too much for our city between the tornados and the virus, and I feel sad and shutdown. I have found myself not wanting to take refuge in Jesus because I was in a fight with Him before all this, and I struggle with feeling like following Him makes my life more frustrating and disappointing (which I think is a combo of my attachment style, my story, my sin, good longings, brokeness of the world, and evil). I promise all of you, I am not good at all at following Him (just ask my husband, he could tell you all about it when he's better). I think me and Job's wife would have been fast wine drankin friends!
BUT,  I have to keep wrestling because I believe the gospel is true cognitively and experientially and so I guess Jesus is not done with me yet. Tonight, I carry the weight of my client's unfinished stories (which I hope I can get back to someday soon), my own unfinished story, the wake of tornado destruction though our city, and the continued unknown of the world's and our household's Covid-19 journey, and my only hope tonight (and any other night for that matter) is not in my affection for Jesus or how well I trust him when the world's falling apart but in His inseverable affection and covenantal faithfulness to me.

Also, #sendwine

lots of crafts and beads everywhere!
( I think the girls might prefer this to the canceled Grand Canyon trip as they are getting activies, toys, and books dropped at the door by thoughful friends everyday:))

coronavibes

our sweet cousins have set up outdoor scavenger hunt for us everyday and they watch from the car

drop and run!

I'll try to update this blog, and please feel free to ask questions if that helpful for you.

baby iris turns one

Our baby is one, and we had the sweetest time celebrating her with family. We have hit such a sweet spot with her lately; she is fun, funny, cuddly, and full of love for her big sisters! She loves to climb anything, jump in her crib, eat peas, pb, & bananas, laugh at her sisters, and carry baby dolls all over the house. She (finally) sleeps well, eats well, and is healthy and thriving. She has 6 teeth, no hair, blue eyes, and is 21lbs of cuteness. 

The Lord has been so kind to give me the experience of a low risk pregnancy, a natural birth I had long hoped for, and a healthy infancy in baby Iris. I am so so thankful for the lives of my twins, but I had a lot of dark days with a medically complicated pregnancy/birth/infancy, and I wondered often what it was like with a healthy baby. I did not deserve a different/positive baby experience because I had such a dark one with the twins, but the Lord gave it to me out of His fatherly goodness because of Jesus, and for no other reason. I am so so grateful for the way I was able to enjoy infancy this go around. Praise God from whom all blessings flow for this sweet baby and what a gift she has been to me and our family.

 A couple days before Iris's birthday, Mimi's house got "flocked" by 30+ flamingos (for some church fundraiser), and so we obviously had no choice but to put on pink party hats and eat sprinkle cones with the flamingos.

Thanks for helping us celebrate, sweet cousins!! We miss you already.

dance and twirl if you're a birthday girl

I just realized I have not done a blog post here in 10 months because…three kids. Phew. It's a hustle, all day, erryday. I have had to let alot go (ie. phone calls, thank you cards, blog posts, …showering) but what I haven't let go of is, celebrating them with a birthday party! It's a fun little hobby for me.

The big girls turned four. I have to say I don't really feel sad about it. I am so thankful to Jesus for them and very proud of them. I am really enjoying them right now too. They are smart and fun and funny and kind. They are healthy, both. Evangeline got a Tonsillectomy at the end of February because of Sleep Apnea and has already gained 2.5lbs (without the tonsils in her way all the time she can eat, sleep, and talk more easily). She had gained confidence, and I can tell she just feels better. She loves problem solving, painting, being silly, praying, Audrey, all things yellow, and Cheetos. Audrey is doing great. She is healthy and happy and sweet. She loves bike riding, Palace Pets, all things pink, gymnastics, cupcakes, and Iris. They both have loved school this year, and thrived with their new friends and teachers there. Over Christmas my mom took them to see the Degas exhibit at the St Louis Art Museum, and they got to see "The Little Dancer" (and came home with necklaces of her, of course!). This was the initial impetus behind my ballerina party idea, although their love for pink tutus played no small role. They said they wanted everything at their party to be pink, sparkly, girly & twirly, and so that's what we did, and I loved it as much as they did! Love my girly girls!