Part of me feels guilty for continually posting disheartening news, as if I'm letting you all down or requiring more of you, which is silly, but, c'est la vie.
The silver lining is that Evangeline gained a bit of weight and is now at 1.7lbs, which is kind of the magic number for fetal viability, although not without it's risks for long term disabilities and even still, death. Audrey is at 2.8lbs, discordance continues to climb to 45% now.
Today, we discovered that because of Evangeline's poor placental function she has absent end diastolic flow, which means that when her heart is at rest she gets no blood flow, this is not a good sign because it can eventually continue into reverse flow which leads to still birth. It could be a matter of days or weeks, and this condition can even disappear and come back, disappear and come back, which is why they need to keep me closely monitored. So, they are bringing me back in tomorrow morning at 8:30am to see if she still has it. If she does, then we are admitting to the hospital to be monitored multiple times a day, and start steroids, and will deliver as soon as her heart tracing starts to look bad (days or weeks, who knows?..). If the absent flow is no longer there tomorrow then we will check again on Thursday, and thrice weekly from here on out. I imagine it will show up again eventually... Im 28 weeks, I had really hoped to make it to at least 30 weeks, but I'm not so sure now. I notice myself searching for a positive note to end on, I think because I want to relieve YOUR anxiety, which is again silly, right?... but I don't think Im going to.
(At the risk of sounding dramatic) I feel myself just disconnecting because I am so tired of hoping and being disappointed. It's harder to pray now, and hard for me to ask you to, although I know I need to, I know they matter. Would you pray for all of us?
Mustering ALL the strength and will I have left to continue to believe that God has not forgotten me, and that He is still good even with a tragic outcome.