Monday, March 26, 2012

..bad news and bed rest..ugh

Part of me feels guilty for continually posting disheartening news, as if I'm letting you all down or requiring more of you, which is silly, but, c'est la vie.

The silver lining is that Evangeline gained a bit of weight and is now at 1.7lbs, which is kind of the magic number for fetal viability, although not without it's risks for long term disabilities and even still, death. Audrey is at 2.8lbs, discordance continues to climb to 45% now.

Today, we discovered that because of Evangeline's poor placental function she has absent end diastolic flow, which means that when her heart is at rest she gets no blood flow, this is not a good sign because it can eventually continue into reverse flow which leads to still birth. It could be a matter of days or weeks, and this condition can even disappear and come back, disappear and come back, which is why they need to keep me closely monitored. So, they are bringing me back in tomorrow morning at 8:30am to see if she still has it. If she does, then we are admitting to the hospital to be monitored multiple times a day, and start steroids, and will deliver as soon as her heart tracing starts to look bad (days or weeks, who knows?..). If the absent flow is no longer there tomorrow then we will check again on Thursday, and thrice weekly from here on out. I imagine it will show up again eventually... Im 28 weeks, I had really hoped to make it to at least 30 weeks, but I'm not so sure now. I notice myself searching for a positive note to end on, I think because I want to relieve YOUR anxiety, which is again silly, right?... but I don't think Im going to.

(At the risk of sounding dramatic) I feel myself just disconnecting because I am so tired of hoping and being disappointed. It's harder to pray now, and hard for me to ask you to, although I know I need to, I know they matter. Would you pray for all of us?

Mustering ALL the strength and will I have left to continue to believe that God has not forgotten me, and that He is still good even with a tragic outcome.


  1. So, two thoughts, Read this by Katy Martin:
    No, it’s not that easy. It’s a risk to invite someone in to help. It’s a risk to admit that we don’t have it all together or that we can’t handle everything. It’s a risk to be that vulnerable. Our own stories of trust and mistrust keep us from opening up to others and/or skew our expectations.
    In the end, it’s worth the risk. Sure, it’s safer to stay protected and not hear rejection or feel our pride raging. However, inviting someone in can be a huge blessing just by being a part of your life and also by easing your burden or pain.

    Anyway, watching you ask for help and prayer makes it that much easier for me to ask for help. I guarantee if someone asked you to pray you would without a single hesitation over and over and over again. Let others do that for you!!!!!! ALso Thank God for modern medicine!

    Okay sorry last thought; I'm studying Revelation this year and although hard and sometimes scary I am WAY less scared then before because never for a single moment does God take his hand off of us. That may not look like what I want it to look like. I may suffer or even die or one of my children could die, something I don't even know how I could possibly survive but we are all HIS and have a spot waiting for us in Heaven. Your journey with these two little ones is not just earthly it is forever after that in Heaven as well. Lot's of love Greta

  2. I'm sorry Laura. We will be praying for strength for all of you and for some good news.

  3. laura, we are praying!!! praying for sweet evangeline and audrey, knowing that they are secure in the palm of His hand and knowing that at times that probably doesn't feel very comforting because you want them well and here with you. we are praying for healing, we are praying for wisdom for you and ryan and for each doctor and nurse you encounter, praying for peace and comfort (even though i have no clue what that would look like right now but i am grateful that He knows exactly what it looks like for you and can meet you at that place). thank you for being so honest and making yourself vulnerable and sharing such an intimate and hard journey so that we CAN join with you and lift you up in prayer - so that we can pray for you even when you have few words left to say to Him. please know our hearts are hurting for you, we are praying for those precious girls, we are praying for our sweet friends.

  4. Laura & Ryan, lifting you all up in prayer. Praying for God to show his love & strength. He is good. All the time.

  5. God put us on earth to love each other and Him. That's the simplest thing, really. You ask us to pray, and we pray. Your girls are lifted up in prayer by many, and you are as well. Whatever your journey gets to be (and it is known to nobody but God as yet), you have prayers and love surrounding you. As a practical matter, I'm happy to hear that you are being closely monitored, and if hospitalization is what is necessary, I am glad it is available to you. The weights for everybody are viable now, and this is stellar news, really, when you think of it. You are 28 weeks, and not 23. That is good news. If you can eek it out until 30 weeks, all the better. But God has blessed you with access to great healthcare, and great prayer. I think both of those combined can only mean good things! At least that is my prayer. Absolutely sending prayer, care, strength, and love to you!

  6. We are saddened to hear the latest, Laura. We are hurting with you and for you and your girls. Praying for the Lord to make His presence and His goodness overwhelmingly visible to you during this time and of course for the babies to be able to remain safe and in the womb for more time.

  7. Hey, girl! I am continuing to pray for these precious girls....for their health...for them to stay in you as long as possible...and for you guys to continue to cling to God in the midst of all this uncertainty and disheartening news. I know it's scary and like an emotional roller coaster right now....but keep hoping...those who put their hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

  8. Oh Ryan and Laura, we are so sad when we think of all that COULD happen, but also HOPEFUL when we think about the GOD we serve and what HE can do for you all and WHAT HE has planned for you all and those two precious little girls you have inside you Laura. Because I've carried four to term, I know how you have bonded with them and love them so. My heart overflows because I know that mothers love and my eyes are full of tears as I type because I know how your heart loves those girls. Just remember that our Lord loves those babies even more than you do! What a comfort and a joy!! Hold on to that---hold on to HIM--that Great Comforter. Even in the times when you can't pray, just whisper His name and He will hear you. We will all be praying and beseeching for you in His name. Oh Ryan, you are so precious and have always been a very special nephew to us, just a little older than our boys and a mentor to them. We love you so. And Laura, Ryan brought you into our family and we loved you right away and you loved us, you are such a kind and beautiful soul. Know that we will be praying fervently for the Bible tells us to do that. Everything will be fine because everything is in His Mighty Hands. We love you kiddos!! Your
    Uncle David and Aunt Debbie

  9. First I want to Thank You for allowing us to be part of your journey. This is such a private time and yet you have allowed us to journey with you, you have opened yourself up emotionally and showed not only your faith but the brokenness you feel along the way. You have no idea how this could impact someones faith to see your so strong even during a trying and very difficult time. Thank you!

    Secondly, we are praying for you and your precious little babies (and hubby). Our plans are small but God has a great big plan he is playing out. I know that HE has not forgotten you and He is reaching many many people through you and your babies. They are having an eternal impact before they are even born.

    My favorite verse and the one I have clung to many times during adversities is "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

    Much love and many prayers

  10. Psalm 126 (for when you feel disheartened): "When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dream. Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, "The Lord has done great things for them." The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad. Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in Negeb! Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."

    Psalm 128: (to hope and know his goodness): "Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways! You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord. The Lord bless you from Zion! May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life! May you see your children's children! Peace be upon Israel!"

    Laura, I do not know what the Lord plans for you and this pregnancy with these girls, but I am so thankful that you know the Lord! He is a comforter and your safety. Know that Jesus is referred to as the vine, that whoever remains in him will bear much fruit. In that way, he has also fashioned you as the vine for these girls, as he does with all moms, and you are therefore a vessel for Christ and his work. You are his, and Evangeline and Audrey are his, through you. Take comfort in that, that he knows every hair on your head and every hair on theirs. He knows their number, even now, and he is using you as his vessel for the world to know them and to know Him. What a great God, even through the hardest of trials...

    We love you, Andersons, and we're praying that God would indeed comfort you and give you hope (Laura HOPE!). Trust that so many are praying, and that God is FOR you.

  11. Laura,
    I know you have so much on your mind, but if you are able to read (esp if you go on bed rest), here is a book you might: Lamb in His Bosom. A bit of an awkward title, but it's a wonderful (old) story of motherhood and the heartache that can be involved. Also, I'm sure you've heard of Nancy Guthrie's story, but if not, maybe you could look up her blog and her book about grief and motherhood. I am praying for you. thanks for being so open.

  12. Praying that God reveals His Presence to all of you and you find it the most precious place to His Presence. In that place is where your strength lies. he is faithful and knows all your thoughts and hopes and fears and desires. He delights in you.

  13. Praying for Evangeline’s EDF, growth spurt, and general health. Praying for Audrey’s continued growth and health. Praying for Laura, for strength to endure the rigors of hospitalization, for peace to not worry about leaving the outcomes to the Lord, and a reduction in anxiety. Praying for Ryan to continue to be Laura’s great support, to keep his own health, and for peace, knowing the Lord has all of you in His hand. In Jesus’ Holy name.

  14. Praying! Praying! Praying! From one MoM to CAN do this. God is so Good.

  15. Sometimes, when I find it hard to pray because I am overwhelemed, depressed, worried etc... I just repeat over and over, "Lord, empty me of me, so I may be filled with you." Such a simple phrase with so much meaning.

    Praying for you. May the Lord give you peace and faith.