I never wanted to be in ministry or marry a pastor. In fact, Ryan asked me out 3 times before I agreed. But the truth was, I enjoyed him, and I believed the gospel just enough to say yes to one date. And then to say yes to a second date, and a third... and then to a proposal. I was scared (I still am scared). I believed that God was in control, that He was good, and that He would be with me as I entered a life of ministry. I knew that following Jesus (particularly in vocational ministry), meant a life of dying to self. I chose to trust that God cannot give a bad gift to his children, but only the very best (because that is what scripture says), so I dove in. Ryan and I both came from comfortable/ well off families and when we were engaged we often road tripped from St Louis to Nashville. Whenever we would pass a dilapidated house on the side of the highway we would joke that it was probably the kind of house we would live in as people in ministry, and we would probably be people that shop at Walmart (nervous laughter..)
“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory, and Other Addresses
The more we die to our self the more we rely on and draw near to Him, which is painful and beautiful and good and hard and true.
Yesterday Ryan asked me if I could start shopping at Walmart.
Jesus, I believe, help my unbelief.