Friday, February 3, 2012

Grateful & at the same time Grieving

I have had about a week or so to really wrap my head around the TTTS, and have found myself to be a jumble of emotions. Gratitude and joy are my overwhelming emotions, but sadness and anger are in there somewhere too. My training is as a counselor, and so I really believe in the power of process and think it is important to  acknowledge my heart as I continue on this journey. I believe we live in a broken world that God is in the business of redeeming, and that disease is part of the brokenness that God hates. If He is angered and saddened by disease, then I can be too.

Im sad/angry at TTTS for what it took from me in this pregnancy:
- optimal health & opportunity for my girls 
- my hopes of having a low intervention pregnancy and birth- HA!
- the chance to ever have a non-C-section birth (most likely)
- peace of mind
- the ability to prepare the nursery I had been wanting, particularly sanding and painting a yellow dresser/ changing table
- the ability to move homes in order to prepare for them
- the opportunity to travel for showers
- the ability to be more functional so that Ryan wasn't so overwhelmed
- the opportunity to be as involved in RUF this semester

Im thankful the Lord allowed it to stop at that, and that He is redeeming my TTTS. Also that He has promised to make good out of even the most broken of situations for those that love Him (romans 8:28). One of the things I love about Christianity is that it gives us freedom to grieve and groan the brokenness of the world, while at the same time calling us to eagerly HOPE as the world will someday be completely restored! (romans 8, john 11).


  1. I think you have every right to be frustrated and grieve a little for what a struggle like this has denied you. Anybody who hasn't had a "traditional" pregnancy probably wishes they had something different. I delivered my twins at 31 weeks, completely unexpectedly. I had my last shower (had two) three days before the babies came, and they were in the NICU for a month. But, since I didn't have a "normal" experience, I was given the opportunity to learn so much about my kiddos, how to advocate for them, how to pray for them, how to love them, and how to care for them in a practical and organized way. I don't know if I would have gotten that in a traditional gestation time. My kids both have some developmental delays, as a result of being preemies--my daughter has caught up, but my son is still about 8 months behind where he should be and in therapy for various issues. Despite that, my son is PERFECT, and I have enjoyed learning about the services available to us for his learning and his care. I believe God put me, as a mom, exactly where he wanted me to be, to learn and to be challenged, and to be a help and encouragement to others who are similarly situated. I'm not a knowledgable Christian, in terms of biblical quotes and scripture, but I know God does things for His glory, and to show himself to others in the people He's surrounded them with. God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called. So, like Jonah, those of us who have had non-traditional pregancies and births, we can be reluctant prophets and encouragers of our fellow moms. Just some thoughts from my end...wishing you joy, rest, and happiness, even as you feel sad and frustrated by what you are missing. Love to you!

  2. Thanks so much for the encouragement and comfort erica! I appreciate your heart and perspective. best wishes to you all too!

  3. Beautiful post Laura. Honesty is good when going through this.

  4. Amen. I long for glory with you! I pray for you all daily.

  5. You are so thoughtful about all this. We had almost the exact same experience & my twin girls are 3 now! They are perfect - hope that gives you some comfort. I had a terrible time during my pregnancy too and was so jealous of friends having a "normal" experience. But think how special it is too! Twins are so much fun (& a lot of work too, I'm not gonna lie :)) You are doing great, dealing much better than I did. Just a note, I had a "surprise" pregnancy after my twins and was able to have a VBAC so that may not be out after all. And God can restore all that you feel you have "lost". Will be follwing, God bless!

  6. Congratulations for not feeling like you have to slap a happy little Christian face on all of this and are really processing all the things that are disappointing and worthy of grieving over. It goes without saying what a miracle and blessing your surgery was... To have hope and joy in a season of scary medicalness is a gift in itself. I love hearing your heart and will continue to pray for the four of you. You are already such an incredible mom!

  7. Hi Laura & Ryan,

    I stumbled upon your blog when searching LAS. I was so appreciative of the insight you provided for the procedure. I have identical twins but one has a NTD called anacephaly (Don't Google it, believe me you wont want to) and that twin's fate is terminal. For the sake of baby a we are being referred to a specialist here that can perform a slightly different form that will coagulate the umbilical cord of the sickly twin to prevent the healthy twin from experiencing a stroke. Reading your blog has helped me cope with the wave of emotions I'm experiencing and I wanted to just say thank you and the best of luck for your twins. My "daughter" will be watching over us all from heaven and her sister will be living life for them both. Thanks again.