Friday, January 20, 2012

my sadness

The helplessness might be the worst part. Im not sure how to care for the girls or give them comfort. I wish I could see them or hold them. I wonder if they are scared, or uncomfortable in their bodies. I wonder how this experience in utero will affect them after they are born, their bodies, their personalities, their roles, their relationship to each other, their relationship with me. Ryan and I tried to comfort them the only way we knew how which was to just talk to them.

We told them that we loved them and we were so sorry this was happening to them, we didn't know why. We told them we were going to do our best to make good decisions and take care of both of them. We told them that the Lord loves them way more than we even can, he knows them, and that He is with them. He is a much better parent than we would ever be, and they will be cared for. We told them to be strong and fight for their lives, that we were for them. We told them we would meet face to face sooner or later. We sang Jesus loves me.

I have felt resistant to being comforted by God in this, but I allowed Him to comfort me with this Psalm.

Psalm 77

  “Will the Lord reject forever?
   Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
   Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
   Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
 10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
   the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand. 

11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
   yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12 I will consider all your works
   and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
 13 Your ways, God, are holy.
   What god is as great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
   you display your power among the peoples. 

15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
   the descendants of Jacob and Joseph


  1. Ryan and Laura,

    God is big enough to handle all of this, so lean on him. Remember that you have a vast crowd of people who are praying and willing to come along side you.

    And I think that talking to them is the most wonderful thing.


  2. Here are the lyrics to a song that brought me much comfort when we first met Amelie and she was freaked out and practically catatonic in China last year. Phil Wickmans "Safe"

    To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
    And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
    I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
    but you're not all alone

    Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
    Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
    With a love so strong he'll never let you go
    oh you're not alone

    You will be safe in His arms
    You will be safe in His arms
    'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
    This is the promise He made
    He will be with You always
    When everything is falling apart
    You will be safe in His arms

    Verse 2:
    Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
    Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
    So hear Him now He's calling you home
    You will never be alone

    These are the hands that built the mountains
    the hands that calm the seas
    These are the arms that hold the heavens
    they are holding you and me

    These are hands that healed the leper
    Pulled the lame up to their feet
    These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
    to break our chains and set us free

  3. They will be comforted by your voices and mostly, they will hear your love for God and that will bring them peace. Come on Girlies, we are pulling for you! You both are blessings for many already, as you have brought us to our knees and drawn us closer to God.

  4. I can't get beyond your heading and first two words. Not yet. We had such a hard pregnancy with our little girl, Summer. I got preEclamspia at 30 weeks and delivered at 32. Summer weighed 2.8pounds. We were in hospital 6 weeks and took her home at 3.9pounds. It was a very hard 5 months after that with fat pastes and all the rest. Then to see your posts and read just a few tid bits of your story I realise how blessed we are to have come so far and have such a stunning baby to play with now. My heart breaks for the journey you've been on and my prayers are most certainly with you for the months ahead. I realise my story is not as intense as yours has been and hate to imagine how hard this has been for you both. But there is much light ahead. Check out pics of our baby on my Facebook page if you need some hope :) Much love, Naomi (New Zealand).